It is so hard to be gentle
Gentle on yourself
Gentle on those around you
Gentle in words
Gentle in action
So many of us are conditioned in life to be the one who delivers harshly,
With the intention that it will teach the ultimate lesson: “life is one tough bitch”
But I needn’t see it that way and neither should you
The world is a place where forgiveness exists,
Second and third chances are given,
Opportunity can be self curated
Being the sweetest nectar that life can truly offer.
Do not March through life with open,
Carrying trauma eventually manifests itself permanently inside of a person if they do not ever forgive themselves
And let go of what happened and who hurt you
But never forgetting the altering events that took place after
That eventually landed you hear
In the words of my pages
You too have made it.
My biggest challenge
My mortal enemy
My dragon keeping me in the tower
My releaser –
It is myself against me when it comes to making the correct choices in my every day.
To have self awareness is a superpower
But with great power always comes
Great responsibility –
That is what the definition of responsibility really should be.
I’ve called her Ana
I’ve called it struggling with addiction
I’ve called it repressed trauma –
I’ve written about her darkness that resides in me
She is all of my negative attributes
Every single moment of unresolved trauma
Threaded together in chaos and destruction,
Only to be dismantled
Only to be defeated
Only to be brought down and deflated
By my higher self and I.
If you too have a dualistic side of destruction to you
Then I congratulate you once more to stepping in the right direction of self reflection
But i warn you, dear reader
That the battle against yourself to reach your next peak,
To see a new sunrise over the horizon of opportunities in your life,
Will not come all at once
Will not come easily
And for some, it will not come at all.
But those who have their minds attentive to my words – are not eligible for failure.
Reader, you and I together will be able to overcome the darkness that is inside us both-
We create our own darkness from reactions in uncontrollable and unwanted moments of turmoil.
If we can create darkness, doesn’t that mean we can also create our own light to recovery?
Be the light for yourself,
Do not wait and risk wasting away parts and moments of your priceless moments,
Even if it is yourself the one that is holding you back –
You mustn’t apply old mentalities from past experiences that then helped you survive,
In everyday life.
I have come to the beginnings of falling in love with myself
The feeling of actually loving yourself,
Is a warmth that starts from inside of your soul
And spreads like the sun throughout each and every nerve.
I wish I could encapsulate this feeling and swallow it every morning.
But then I remember, it is not the destination of which I seek or enjoy the most,
It is the build,
The movement and action
Of what I will encounter heading before I reach my peaks.
Girls my age are cradling their first or second baby,
I am nurturing my dreams in the womb of my heart and the creativity of my brain.
I have recently come to terms with my own definitions of what I have to do to feel like a fulfilled woman;
I will have offices instead of nurseries
I will experiences of my own instead of again through the eyes of my child
But i will,
Like a parent,
Persist at nothing to keep my dreams safe, sound, growing and real.
Summertime sadness is not just a song
It is the feeling when the contentment of simplicity replaces the flash fires of the fast life
I’m distracted by all that i want
And nothing of what i need
A sly trick of life that makes one feel as though their head grew bored of the clouds and now resides in the stars and milky ways
That is where i am
Within these warm days and long nights
I find myself
I’m finding myself
I’m getting to know myself
What i like
What I don’t
What i want
Who i want
Where i will go
What pushes buttons
What triggers reactions
What makes me happy
What makes me sad
What makes me excited
What makes me passionate
What makes me smile
What serves my soul
A summertime survey as I fade from my twenty fifth year and transcend to 26
There are some days i am smiling, just because i am simply happy to be here
As i was getting ready to start my shift at work yesterday
My mind pulled out a memory of rehab to the forefront projector of my thoughts
23 year old me,
Helpless, weak and naïve
The only source of warmth that would come in from the rehab center would be when the sun was in its highest placement of the day
And I stood at the barred window to soak up each sunray
I opened my eyes to 25 and heard my breathe be let out
I will never go astray again
I am no longer afraid to know the ins and outs
The beauty and chaos
The legendary and the infamous
All that complies to make me, me
Getting to love my own company