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Heaven In Hindsight

The stroke of death ricocheted through my entire being as I felt my mother find her halo in the sky
Somewhere too far high for her petite daughter to try and reach for her
The feeling of maternal comfort will never be a privilege I will experience again; my mind is fading every afternoon I come home from elementary school
“Hi, baby girl! How was your day?”
Childhood anxiety melted away
Like the ice cream cones shared during summer holidays

The world doesn’t make any sense to me right now, and everyone is telling me this time of pain is temporary, yet we all know it is forever present
The contradictions of grief
But I can’t help but want to kick, scream, implode, cry, beg, argue, barter
All for her to come back

Every designer piece, every string of fabric from my closet, every pearl I inherited, every brick and strip of my house – anything you want,
Take it away so I can have one more day
For all of these beautiful things you gave me cannot recreate you

Dear Heaven,
How do I become the woman of the house?
When there was so much of my womanhood that you missed out?
This grief settling into my bones,
Weighing down my days
What I would pay to hear you sweetly say my name

Where are you, Mommy?
Are you still calling me your baby?
Can you come back to me?
Wait, I’ve said that already

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