Ding Dong: Karma

By | July 11, 2019

From The Desk Of Julia Posz 

May 18, 2019 

“The following is self-diagnosed. 

However, the most reliable source comes from the holder of…the potential disease. 

I don’t like stupid fucking labels that I know are put on girls who haven’t healed like I have from their experiences. 

I will be forever subjecting myself to let life label me because I now know that I died a long time ago and I can never get that little…innocent girl out of his room, or my head- no matter how hard I try. – (me to 14 year old me)

I just don’t care what people have to say if they know my truths now because I figured them out for myself, however it took my heart to be broken by a…really nice guy so I could see that the picture I painted to him of myself looked like all the rest of the past portraits-

A shell of a person. 

Those are the ones who truly end up… “CRAZY” or insane. Because, anyone would be if they had something horrible happens to them because a man told a girl she was pretty and no one had before, 

And she had been looking for that all along, 

In all the wrong beds. 

Some of the wrong men. 

I refuse to take meds if I have my mind. 

Not to mention, a label that isn’t on a record is not a label at all.”

I also do not think, Josh Salem will ever leave a girl after an abortion and smash her to pieces, again. Lucky for him, I had some experience with crazy and so did he. 

  1. Katherine

 

Dear Asshole Who Thinks His Dick Isn’t a Pussy, 

 

The following is a very well thought out timeline that I hope:

  • Clears my name on some opinions/speculations 
  • Clears any demons that I created away from the back corners of your mind where I have always assumed you have put me.
  • Another attempt for peace: because while my writing career is thriving, I have reconstructed….everything. You were right about two things:
  • 1. I am great at telling stories. 
  • 2. The original copy of my book was set out originally to hurt you because you hurt me to the point where I look down at my own body and see what small part I carried of you. Everytime. I’m sorry I took my anger out on you once you moved. 

 

So:

 

After: Finally listening to the things people were saying to me, even the bad memories that are now the nightmares I scream in the middle of the night- but its your voice calling me that: “stupid selfish bitch you couldn’t almost bare to look at.”

 

Reality:

We were terrified kids. And I was a scared, scared, stupid, immature little 14 year old girl. (mentally- I literally have been) 

 

I have been trapped inside my head for seven mother fucking long years. Because, when my personality was broken by Ron when I was fourteen years old: 

My vision was blurred. (no wonder I’m so clumsy)

I realized I cannot feel my own senses recently- as well as when I sit down to look myself in the mirror when I can focus on the silence in my parents house:

Where I have ripped apart, 

Redone, 

Redecorated, 

Re-fucking everything. Because the me was l was on the way to be was smashed into a million tiny atom sized pieces and I have been:

Numbly, 

Blindly, 

Stupidly, 

Setting all these fires to all of the people who cared about me. 

 

Now, the link. 

So, basically my life is me running around each past level of my life so I can finally move the fuck on and stop being so angry about the fact that I was hurt. 

Yes, I was raped. 

Yes, I lied about the court process to see you because (at the time) I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing because in my head it wasn’t lying, but how crazy would I be to say that out loud?

I will forever be sorry to the boy with brown eyes that I know carry in the reflection of mine, 

You’re another bird added the my arm as a reminder that I always need to be in check with myself and not rely on other people. 

 

The past four months I accidentally found…another Tyler. 

Someone who looked at me in the middle of one of my famous, emotional, loud, non-censored (because I have lost control for 7…long…years…) it is everything for me to stop doing it to people around me as well as myself. I also was not completely sober off blow while I was seeing you and now that tender, understanding, ears (that could hear what I have been screaming internally in all my music that you hate- Halsey.)

 

Im sorry im sorry im sorry so sosososososososososososoososososoososososososos

Im so fucking sorry. 

I wish I could go back and fight myself because, I could have always had what I wanted and that was you in my life, as someone who I could come to with stupid school jokes and visit for an hour when you come home from college. 

I had come to you and talked to you while I was detoxing from Jamie and quite frankly, I should have done what I did after you and gone into hiding. 

But the love I grew (still planted- nothing threatening) was as fragile as every visit I saw getting as the months grew longer, harder, and more…insane. Thanks to me, to you and me and both of us. 

I still do not forgive you for leaving.

You know damn well how many women are scared and are going to die if the world keeps trying to sink abortion, so IMAGINE (try) how hard I have to avoid you in my fight with other women because, just like you, a bunch of men who think they are high and mighty because of status, knowledge, money and “power” and can run their mouths and dictate a VERY HARD CHOICE THAT A WOMAN SHOULD ONLY BE ALLOWED TO MAKE.

You screamed at me to the point that your voice drowned my head in my actions, and I am…widely taken back at how blind I was to your mistakes as well and thinking that your invitation (though you were stuck in my web) was nothing more an easy lay and I regret summer of 2018. 

Fucking me blindly, but you said it yourself. You were leaving for school and didn’t care.

Thank you for using me! 

You showed me that you were just as weak and ill-minded as I was for you kept my legs wide open and I would let you cum in every time. 

And then when it came down to the wire we so endlessly spent hours talking about, 

THAT is when I told YOU I would be FUCKING horrified to become pregnant with your fucking baby. 

I hope Sarah helps you decode this because you’re going to be soooooo mad, just like you are every time I try to talk to you because we end up fighting. 

This is as honest as it gets and you are not used to it because you had no idea who the fuck I was and who aborted your child. 

GET OVER THE FACT I YELLED AT YOU IN THE OFFICE: excuse me, I would like to suck a life out me and THEN continue to repair another burning bridge of our “relationship”.

Robert, showed me that perspective that I could not constructively word because 

You

Wrecked

Me

Inside

And out. 

 

Reality: I did and I want to stop fighting about it because in my mind for some reason you still have the label of: father. 

 

I’m sorry. I am still impressed that: You broke me. Just like Jamie did, but in a different way. But it just means, like all the other men that caught my horrible flames 

But I don’t deserve that, I think. I don’t know. 

I think about the day the East Bay stars align in the most uncomfortable fate for us to get a moment to glance at each other and I would just simply let my soft glance tell you: I’m not hiding from you, myself or the world any more. 

 

I will always admire you in the happy times that remind me, 

That there were those moments where you did see me, 

It was just…way before I could even imagine seeing myself. 

 

I am sorry, you asshole.

But, I finally learned. 

Thank you.  

 

Julia