It was a message from a close friend of mine that helped my conscious thought connect with one of the vaults of unspoken memories inside my head when I realized: Mother’s Day is tomorrow.
I had the unfortunate run in with life and that thing called choice January a year ago. I chose to have an abortion nine days into the new year of 2018 after finding out only 72 hours into it. The famous Christmas song lyric and melody scrape the inner workings of my bone tissue in a way that I have not yet begun to face yet.
“We wish you a Merry Christmas….and a happy new year.”
I did for myself back then as well…
The fact of the matter is, it has been one year later and this is my second mothers day. I remember last years day quite well.
I got myself all nice, pretty and dressed. My improving weighted frame in threads of black. From the heels that lifted myself from the harsh concretes of the Earth to the tight fitting top that would often be to small – I had an issue of letting go clothing from certain periods of my life. While there is admittedly still a black sweatshirt hanging in the far back of my closet, it seems to cycle back into the first left into my mind.
My feelings on this day. In this moment:
I am calm.
Whilst I am not a mother to a physical soul, I spoke to the one that I carried for seven weeks in my tiny little belly, in the moments I was left alone while the once expecting boy-father- I never understood why he fought so hard and claimed he was: “There for me there for me there for me.”
Put down the goddamn video game controller, take a deep breathe and adult the fuck up- in this very paragraph is where I am opening myself up to the world my most vulnerable thoughts on my experience because: humanity learns from others experiences because we are all selfish enough by nature to whisper in the back of our mental selves: “I am so happy that has never or did not happen to me.”
It takes anyone with enough of a basic understanding of human emotion as well as the obviously known biological and physical changes a woman goes through for many MAN to see: She is now not herself more than ever and this is a moment to prove to myself (speaking a if I were the boy) that I can step up to the plate for what is half mine. I know she is probably terrified because of what she knows happened before her…”
I have a strong inclination that after or possibly never, has the second party in my situation has ever had the heart, courage for himself as well as even the confidence in him as a human- to realize what he did was completely inhumane.
People should never: Leave without saying the truth- that way there is less mess to clean after the storm of lies settles in the dust, decay and debris of what once was the most fantastic friendships I have ever had the pleasure of calling mine.
I have long let go the idea of resurrection between him and I. I don’t think he will ever understand that because I once carried a physical result of our physical action: he could not, in that time, physically handle it.
I do not forgive you.
I will not forget either of you two and how you changed my life forever.
All my love,