I am so exited to share with you some of the completed pages in my up and coming book! This does not start at the beginning, however these carefully chosen pages: is a perfect dose of what is yet to come.
However, at that time I was twenty-one.
At that time I had never had anyone leave me.
I had always unleashed my inner lioness,
Attacking from the back,
Only the hearts of past prey that I have broken.
However; I am not so quick to show this side of myself so swifty.
So I didn’t understand that he wasn’t really leaving me,
He was making a choice to have me in his life while still making sure that he was able to accomplish his dreams,
We both admired each other for the ambitions and aspirations that we both had.
I just didn’t predict the following circumstances to happen, and neither did he.
He did not know how to handle my demons,
And neither did I.
A few weeks past after Joel had decided to go our separate ways as lovers.
However, one nights,
A storm casted over my body one night,
That took form of an ex-boyfriend.
Who Joel had heard many scary stories of.
He spilled his grey all over my colored canvas.
I fought and I screamed.
I had the cops come eventually.
I remember seeing Joel in my phone screen every passing minute.
Eventually, I called him.
I was on my way back home from the hospital.
He arrived at the same time I did,
In my gravel grave of a driveway.
That night he was awake as long as I was.
This was a time we weren’t sleeping together.
Though at some point through this first stormy weather,
He commented on how I looked so much better.
And then, as a suggestion to help me fall asleep,
He put me to bed wet.
This was the start of my realization that I had someone who I could run to,
Hush my demons, dry my tears.
Someone who could house what seems to be a never ending collection of baggage.
Joel’s mother’s house ended up being my escape zone.
Beyond the gravel walkways,
Behind the red kitchen drapes-
Is an entire house with each room holding what were some of the most blissful moments I had ever experienced.
His brothers couch holds heart touching conversations and laughter from video games.
The walls of his mother’s kitchen had overlooked every morning we woke up together to make breakfast,
Her kitchen table stands on the drained emotion from personal xx.
His brother’s bed holds pleasure and pain that was mixed into a concoction of chemically addicting sex.
And the spare room has many nights of sound, safe sleep, in the arms I thought I would keep.
As months passed and seasons changed, so did we.
It’s interesting how the universe speaks.
October 10th, 2017:
Days after the Sonoma County fire had transpired,
If only i knew that we would have been brought together by two of nature’s forces anyway: his penis, and the fire that ruined the lives of many innocent families, habitats and life in that area all around it.
We were at his mother’s house, per usual.
I lied to him about having a therapy appointment,
And decided to go shopping.
Joel was per usual, playing his usual virtual soccer video games-
Complaining of being tired anyways,
And I needn’t felt the urge to rightfully inform him that I was bored;
It was so hard for me to vocalize even the tiniest of feelings to him.
Due to relationships past,
That he would set out and cast,
Far away from me to flee-
All because of an insecurity,
That if I voiced my needs,
He would get mad at me,
Or threaten to leave.
Insecurities that stay tucked away in what we all have,
A mental safety blanket,
Is actually what harms us the most in the end.
You must get out of it while it is still easy for you;
That does not mean you are unable.
Has been a devil in the details (g-eazy quote) for me.
Due to the devil that I was dealing with-
The story that I had mentioned earlier,
That I promise,
To summarize a current conclusion: There are residuals habits from six year old scars,
That in time,
Is so far,
It feels as though I am living charr,
Always having to bend under a circumstantial bar.
I have come so far.
Off to Sunvalley mall I went.
Driving in smoke,
While inhaling smoke,
Whilst in the middle of an environment filled and jaded by smoke,
Thank the God Mama Saben believed in, for he not only smoked, but condemned her the faith the keep at least a carton or two of Marlboro Light Cigarettes in the trunk of her car, or tucked away in her drawers somewhere Joel could find them for me so I wouldn’t have to burden myself with the money (realistically lying to my father for money) and driving to go get them myself.
During this time,
My mentality was;
Bat your eyes young miss,
For that is how you receive your desired kiss upon thy lips,
Love is a toxic ship.
I would fantasize his finger tips,
On the base on my nips.
Politely gripping my hips,
Instead of ignoring,
The dips from my hollow but still hot body,
He drove me like a brand new lottery bought audi,
Only a chance in the life time that most will pass up or miss the potential of.
Each year that passes in my life, one lesson that always sticks; always listen to the universe. For she, like the moon, is always changing.
November 6, 2017:
At this time, attending concerts had become something that I personally enjoyed,
As well as thriving over knowing that even though Joel was not at the event with me,
I could post it,
He would it see it,
I would smile at seeing a virtual user name,
Viewed by real eyes,
That I had realized,
I had fallen in love with,
Not only but a few months ago.
One of the things I loved about Joel,
Was that he listened.
He had known in my horrid last relationship, that besides the abuse,
I was deprived of fun.
He knew I lost interest in going to the theaters,
A lost beloved treat that broke away from what I considered important,
When to many broken promises
Readers, this was the longest time I was going to be away from Joel
I had heard from some women, as well as countless Hollywood films and shows- that a woman knows the night that she got pregnant.
That is a thousand percent true.
The night I got pregnant, was beautiful.
The morning started off so blissfully, knowing that I would be the first person he was going to see as he was returning from Hawaii.
I was on a cloud,
To all of my friends;
Of a true love that I thought I had found.
Posting all around;
Of the rose bouquet- that would soon turn into a trail on his apartment floor ground-
To find me,
To be found,
Covered in petals-
For him to come in discover-
In whatever way he found pleasure.
I had taken my time to get ready this morning.
I am not one for makeup.
Joel told me I was beautiful with and without it.
I remember packing my car with everything I needed-
All of it fit into my tiny blue Honda Civic.
I had ran out the night before to gather everything I needed:
Wine for me,
Jameson for him.
Roses for both of us to be spread leading up to his door, and then me on his bed.
Yet again I found myself on the road to Rohnert Park,
Where, at the time, for the last, seven months, his apartment was my golden arch.
The scenery had, in my mind,
Become a landmark.
The open fields,
The flowers that I watched go from summer, autumn and fall-
I had become accustomed to them all.
Date: January 3, 2018
I woke up this morning and the first site my eyes opened too was my toilet bowl.
I thought to myself:
“Was it the coke?”
“Did I drink too much?”
“…Did I get my period last month?”.
It was in that very neurological pathway connection,
That made a small flutter flap in the pit of my womb.
This was my body letting me know, that I hadn’t been alone lately.
That something was inside of me,
Some say baby,
I thought burden.
The first moment of beginning maternal bliss was soon flooded with fear.
Definition: Noun: 1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Definition: Verb: 1. be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.
This is a very key definition I advise you all to read with open minds, ears and hearts. This isn’t philosophy, this is fact.
And, no one can argue with that.
The first flash of fear that came to my mind was the can of worms this situation would unleash for him, if I was pregnant.
Not even a year prior,
Who fell for the unavailable boy,
Had found herself blossoming his seed,
That she would later dehydrate,
All by her own choice,
Only to tell Joel, when it was too late to save it.
That story has a sad ending to it as well.
Are you starting to follow, readers?
Do you understand the fear that was pulsing through my veins?
I knew I was going to lose him over this.
“He would never want to touch me again”.
“He would never want to see me again”.
“He could never look at me again”.
He had made it so clear in the positive duration of our relationship that in no lifetime of his, did he,
Let’s review our facts:
- I was soon to find out that I was carrying something that he would never want.
- I would be the second one that this would have happened to him.
Which add up too: A very emotionally unstable, hormonal, scared, alone- Julia.
Which conclude too: A unsound, unclear mind- aimed to take down any threat or fear I imagined I would have to face.
A girl who was in love with a boy,
Who didn’t wish to for us to continue seeing each other after summer,
Who was emotionally detached to the world and all the emotion that it comes with being human. I was soon to learn how heartless he could be.
The fear spread through my veins like a flash fire.
I clenched myself over my sink and looked at my bloodshot, puffy eyes in the mirror.
I knew what I needed to do- calling my clinic for the soonest appointment they could fit me in.
I had ten minutes to rush down to find out if I had to make a choice.
For my life.
For the life and body that helped me get into this situation as well.
My hands tremble over my keyboard.
As I try to create the best way to construct my words.
So I can let the heavy weight of what was technically weightless in my womb,
Become as real for you.
As it was for me.
On January 3rd, 2018
I was wearing a pair of double zero blue jeans,
My favorite Halsey shirt,
An army green, x-small, GAP winter coat- that once belonged to let go friends-
From the maternity section.
I was also starting to realize just how much the universe speaks.
I drove to the clinic,
At this time, Joel had no idea what was going on.
At this time, I felt as though I was in a time warp.
The raindrops were falling silent, and the sky was as dark as night. The only light left was the one inside of me.
But I knew I had to blow that spark out before it became a flame.
Entering the doctors office,
The clicking of my heels hollowed in my ear drums.
Each step closer to finding out,
Was a step away from him.
My entire body was numb when I checked myself in at the front:
“How can I help you today?”
I spoke quietly.
“Uh… hi…yes. Julia P. for my gyno”.
She clicked on her keyboard as I scanned the room.
Happy couples smiling at a wife’s bulging baby bump.
Another one, cooing in awe of their newborn.
A mother reading to her daughter about princesses and magical lands.
The way her child’s innocent brown eyes gleamed with fascination and curiosity lead me to start having unwanted maternal thoughts:
“Will she have green eyes like her mommy? Or brown eyes, like her father?”.
“I wonder if her favorite princess will be Ariel too, I wonder is she will be a sh- Fuck, Julia stop thinking like this. You know what you have to do.”
“Okay, Ms. Julia-,”
I have never understood why all of my life elders and officials have always given me such a nickname.
“…and what is the reason for your visit today?.”
That question hit me as hard as if I were asked to make a choice between sacrificing my mother or my father, to ensure that I would live a good and successful life.
I wasn’t far away from making the same choice, it just had to do with the life of my baby girl or boy. Not my parents.
I responded to her softly under my breath:
“I-…I’m….here to see i- if, I need to have an abortion, ma’am.”
With no response she typed in more in notes into my permanent medical records.
She looks at me once more,
“Okay Julia, we are almost ready for you to go back in. Did you have your partner or significant other joining you today? For such appointments, it is usually helpful to have someone here to supp-”
I cut her off with welting eyes and stuttered answers.
“Uh, n- no. It’s….just m- me here.”
Her eyes were the answer she wanted to give me-
Full of sympathy for the poor, possibly pregnant 21 year old girl who was all by herself. I could only imagine her thinking I had gotten myself in this situation by a one night stand.
I wish it was appropriate for my doctors to know:
Oh, yea, if I am pregnant, I didn’t go fuck some rando. The man of dreams made love to as the first thing returning home from Hawaii- on a beautiful rose petal bed that I had called my safest place for the last 6 months. And the only reasons why I am getting this abortion is because: 1. My “boyfriend”, is going to be living out of state shortly- and has voiced that to me since the beginning. 2. My eating disorder and overall fear of being overweight completely turns me off to having a child. 3. My “boyfriend” has expressed to me a million times or more, that he never wants be married or have a child. So, I’m doing this, mainly for him. Oh, and if you can give me some drugs for coping after that would be fantastic.”
“Okay love, have a seat. A nurse will be right with you.”
I turned around, each child, parent and couple seemed to have acquired some sort of happiness that I could not find in my situation.
This is when I started the bad habit of hugging my womb,
As some sort of way to see if I could trigger those mothering instincts that every mother talks about while they are pregnant.
As I traced my fingers over my skin where my uterus was still currently flat, I heard-
I looked up slowly. My nurse was ready to take me into the back.
My nurse was ready to do her job in order to find out the information I needed,
A similar feeling, like the one I used to get as a little girl, when my father would put me on a roller coaster I was barely big enough for,
As we would inch our way to the top before the drop,
I would always start screaming bloody-murder:
“DADDY!! DADDY! PLEASE! I WANT TO GET OFF!”
I knew I was in the most …
After the ride was over, I always received one of his famous lectures:
“Julia-Katherine! When life gives you loops, hurdles and obstacles, you must ride through them with your eyes and heart open. Always make sure that you protect yourself first, then tend the people around you. The boys that will enter your life- will put you through these same sorts of loops. You must know that only one out of twenty-eight will truly love you. You must be able to be brave enough to go through the experiment to find your conclusive love.”