Never Meant For California

By | January 28, 2018

You were drawn to me,

Pretty and smart,

You once,

Multiple times,

called me,

A

Work of art.

I met you in California,

We both know this state is,

And never,

Was,

Home for ya.

I told you that my heart was frozen over.

But that I could still be your lover.

We both sing that lyric of not being able to afford that Rover, and tattoo on someone’s shoulder.

But then I just had to roll over,

Because of the ONE my frozen,

PTSD,

heart took over.

I am so sorry.

My heart is still frozen over,

Maybe forever,

Because I wasn’t used not being run through the gravel.

I miss the miles I used to travel.

It was my choices that had us unravel.

I

Am

So

Sorry.

I’ve been going through phases,

Rewriting phrases,

Mentally running through messed up, terrifying, excruciating,

Mazes.

I’ll

Forever

Be

Sorry

You haven’t seen my new faces,

Because you’ve been happily busy,

And I’m happy for you,

Cause I feel like all I did was screw,

Up,

Your

Days.

This is not the first time I have written about your valuable time;

It’s just the only piece that isn’t in ripped up pieces.

My body was laid out for a willing sacrifice.

Almost three weeks,

I haven’t felt human.

I’m a robotic device.

I’ll

Always

Be

Sorry.

You had to leave.

For four days all I did was weep and feel the physical pain settle,

Into every inch of me.

I’m

So

Sorry.

I met you in California,

This poem probably sounds so familiar.

I wake up again,

Every night,

Drenched in my nightmare tears,

Sweat and regret.

Taking practice not to talk to you about my frets.

Because I am forever in your debt.

You know I don’t regret,

Any choice of mine,

But that one, two, three…

Speaking for myself,

Though this repent is genuine,

Those verbals and labels that I’m still trying to tell myself I am not,

Left me and my confidence,

Conscious,

to rot.

It was a lot.

I was ready to let my body and soul just drop.

But I can’t ‘rightfully’ say that,

Because what I did,

Hit you like a baseball bat.

I’m

So

Sorry.

This was scarring to not only you,

But me too.

But you saw some value,

For knowing each other,

Is

Thankfully,

Graciously,

Appreciatively,

Did not get,

Sucked out.

You think I have no clue of what I put you through,

Oh darling,

I do.

Still sorry.

But you don’t know the pain I endured, because I kept it from you.

So take a note;

Because you don’t know how my skin bled,

Like the ink from my powerful pen.

That though mistakes were made on my end,

I feel like you will never hear me when if or when I ever try to tell you,

That those earlier mentioned verbals,

Made my already difficult healing process,

Get shot through,

A,

Strew,

Of sleepless nights.

I don’t expect this poem to make it right,

But something you still and have always admired in me,

Is

My

Ability

To

Fight.

Though I will admit someone as strong as me,

Is

Currently,

Broken.

The light left in me,

Left me my ability,

That is mutually still admired,

To write.

I hope-

No,

Will,

Find a way to make this 110%

Right.

Because I feel like you don’t see the way I’ve had to fight,

The bite,

That was taken from me,

Mentally,

Physically.

This isn’t metaphysics,

My feelings are as real as the laws of

Physics.

My limits,

Were challenged and push,

From those verbals I so rightfully deserved and took.

But

I’m

Asking

You

To

Look.

I’m so sorry.